Or what would become a night of total horrors…………

Let’s start out with the opening act…..After the nun outfit with cardboard for a face

Lady Gaga came out and wore a number that was like watching Crystal Carrington from Dynasty.  I did like her shoes.  The Wig chages were just a bit much for me.  I think it’s awesome that she can change character so quickly.  But, after watching this for a few years all I can think is that she is bipolar, depreesed, still the kid at school that got picked on and still way unhappy on the inside.

The shell bra and underwear was pretty predictable.  She has an amazing body!  But, at the end of the day.  Do you really care?  She wants to be Britney Spears.  She can’t really go there without being obvious.  Britney never would have worn a shell bra.  Britney would have had Mountain Dew bottles made into a skirt.  She was original!

Lady Gaga kicks off the festivities at the VMAs.

Next we watched this One Direction.  Who are they?  That’s all I could ask most the night.

The next moment of horrification can when Selena Gomez talked in a voice that was pretty much like a cartoon character because horror of all horrors she won an award.  Over a lot of people.  But, the only one that mattered was Bruno Mars.  I have to wonder if it was at that moment that he wondered what was wrong with his manager and publicist and how did they talk him into going to the VMAs.  Because I think it’s safe to say the VMAs are not what they use to be.  I hope he pulled his iphone out and made a note to fire them Monday a.m.

AND it was about now that I knew………..that we were going to be watching Taylor Swift sing along to every song for the night.  Her and her tube of lipstick.  It’s like she sings and makes records about ex boyfriends SOLELY so she can have a front row seat at these shows.  I know she is famous and rich.  But, in reality she seems like a roadie for a big name band (you know like the Oak Ridge Boys) and I constantly wait for her to throw a pair of underwear on stage.  Or in her case a big ole’ granny pair of those bathing suit bottoms she’s always in.

Taylor Swift 2013 VMAs

It was about this point into the show (you know all ten minutes) when I remembered……..OHHHHHH it’s Sunday night…….JLo, Beyonce….and NOW Miley are ruining my Award shows.  These are the new “triple threats” because they can act, sing, dance.  Or at least people tell them that and I would really like a list of these people.

Miley Cyrus obviously is trying to shed her Hannah Montana image.  Her way of doing that is sad, predictable and pretty much gross.

I thought I’d start a drinking game where we took a drink every time she stuck her tongue out.  I called that like weeks ago for the record.  If you follow gossip blogs you could predict it too!  Yeah, turns out I didn’t have enough booze in the house to keep up with it.  And I was so ill I couldn’t do it anyway.  She stuck her tongue out four times in less than ten seconds.  I am not even kidding!  Okay less than five seconds!

She clearly has Daddy issues.  I think it’s even better to watch the audience of performers watch her perform.  They just sit there like they are getting ready to watch an execution.  When she took off her one piece mouse swimsuit it just got worse.  And I have to wonder what is wrong with Robin Thicke.  Are you reading this Mrs. Robin Thicke?  Slap him upside the head.  Immediately!

MOving on to Queen B Little Kim (the new Latoya Jackson.)

Lil Kim

Of course if you were watching you realize she was there to present an award and of course Macklemore won.  I love Macklemore!  So I was pretty darn happy and I was just getting to feel good about the whole show.  I was thinking that there wasn’t anything that could be ‘that bad’ to watch.

I know.  I know.  I KNOW.  You are reading this and screaming “KANYE  KANYE  KANYE”  To tell you the truth I had forgotten about him.  I mean I am trying to live in a happy place in life.  I’ve cut out anyone that is toxic.  I.e. I took kanye off the ipod.  It’s helped!  So when he was announced I really felt at that moment that I had screwed up!  I mean what world have I been living in?  And was Kim close by?

The worst thing that happened in Kanye’s life and ours…..is that his mother passed away.  She was the only one that kept him in check.  Why she went to a third world country for cosmetic surgery still blows my mind.  She apparently didn’t know she could go to Beverly Hills.

The lighting on Kanye and his back drop that looked like Tara from Gone with the Wind when Scarlett went home…..just about broke my heart.  He’s just so desperate.  Bless his heart.  He sings about Jesus.  But, I don’t think it’s in his heart.  He should sing about things that are in his heart.  Like hate for a mother in law that is a pimp.  Or how he is only a few short weeks away from making a photo like this:

 	   	2012 Kardashian Christmas Card

And Kanye will officially be a sell out.  But, he could also sing about his worries over what he will be forced to wear.  I’m just going to tell y’all now, PimpK is going to have a card where they all re-enact the nativity scene.  MARK MY WORDS.  It’s coming.  Obviously Kim will be Mary, North will be baby Jesus.  Kanye is way too big to play Joseph though.  He needs a way bigger role.  I am picturing he plays the donkey (jackass.)  But, hey that’s just my thoughts.

Moving on………and pouring more wine…………..

When Jimmy Fallon came out, I didn’t even have to ask.  Because y’all know I think JF and Justin Timberlake have a man love that is over the top.  JF loves him some JT.  I had heard rumors for weeks that there was going to be a reunion of sorts.  JT would be reuniting with (not Britney Spears how it should be) N Sync.  I was never a fan of N Sync.  Not that I had anything against them.  I was still trying to recover from New Kids on the Block at that time in life.  But, hey I think all the guys are pretty nice and I am sure they all need a little publicity and probably a paycheck!

So when that long walk thru hell or whatever sound stage bar scene that was that Justin and the dancers walked through only to end up on stage with the light switch light effects going I knew what was coming.  Oh I’m sorry let me say after thirty minutes of JT performing his (in his mind) greatest hits I knew it was coming.  AND I had watched Taylor Swift attempt to sing along with the songs and it was obvious she didn’t know most of the words.  At this point I was wondering……..where was Jessica?  I’m guessing there wasn’t enough room in the limo?  You know between JT, Jimmy, the egos, the love fest between the guys, and Disaronno to sip on.  They needed a big bottle obviously.

Everyone loves some Joey Fatone since Dancing with the Stars.  But, I was more interested in seeing JC Chasez.  He dated Eva Longoria back in the day.  She was all about him.  Then she got all big for her britches and got that basketball player (and we know how that worked out.)  JC Chasez became the Nick Lachey of that relationship.  He looked pretty good.

N Sync - H 2013

I have to say it was pretty funny to hear how bad the sound was for JT’s entire performance.  He sounded strained…………..

After that performance ALL 1.22 minutes…..I settled in for the next thirty minutes of JTs dance recital.  I also got a great idea for a Halloween costume.

The rest of the show……..was predictable.  Y’all know that.  I was happy to watch Bruno Mars perform, because I just love him.  I think he is one of the BEST performers ever on Saturday Night Live.  GENIUS.  Plus, in our house (car) when a Bruno Mars song comes on my 2 year old sings along and truly believes Bruno Mars records songs just for him.  It’s comical.

I could have done with less Taylor Swift……sing alongs.  I could have done with more diversity.  I would have loved better fashion.  It was terrible!  Nothing even worth commenting on.

My happy moments of VMAs2013   Believe me there were not many.  MTV is not what it use to be.

TLC……I loved them.  I wish Left Eye was still here!

Macklemore!  Their performance was great!  I wish when they had the line where it mentioned hip hop….hating…they would have panned in on the thugs sitting in the audience. And by thugs you know the guys that make millions for singing a song and are about as gangsta as I am.   They are good guys and they are talented!  I wish they had swept every single category they were in.

Vanessa Bayer introducing Miley…….hilarious!

DANITY KANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Woot woot!  P Diddy was probably not happy. Who knows what is going on with that drama.  I was a huge fan of this group being put together back in the day.  I watched Making the Band like a freak!  Which is probably why the only thing I felt I was missing at the VMAs was an appearance by Ashley Angel…….y’all know………

Beyonce and JLo were both absent.  Heck yeah!!!!

Jennifer Hudson performing with Macklemore.  OMG she looks amazing and I loved her singing!!!!  It was one of my favorite moments.

Justin Timberlake saying there was an extra five hundred dollars in gift bags and the crowd kind of stopped cheering.  Because the people in the audience do not receive the gift bags that have items worth $$$$ You know….gift bags of free items that are worth a combined few thousand dollars……that only people that are celebrities receive.  Tacky.

Things I am waiting for:
Miley will finally come clean that she isn’t with her boyfriend any longer.  She will go to rehab for exhaustion.  And I know she is about a sneeze away from becoming a lesbian.

JT and Jessica are expecting.  Guarantee that is why she wasn’t there.  No way is she off for a major film role.  Because she is now the Nick Lachey of that relationship.

Kanye will freak out.  Oh wait.  That’s every day.

Happy Monday everyone!



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