Best dressed at the WORST awards show in history

Who do I write a letter to in hopes of collecting money for my pain and suffering for watching Grammys 2012? That show was horrible. Worst in history of man kind. Opening with Springsteen gave me hope. The little Rhianna ditty was cute. But how did Coldplay get in on that?

And you know once I saw Chris Martin I knew that could only mean one thing. His gangsta wife was going to be there. She is still milking her “Country Strong” performance with the fake guitar playing for all she can. Wasn’t there anyone else in audience to present? Like I don’t know……the towel girl in the bathroom? Katharine McPhee could have presented. She finally has a show and is singing! Oh and side note: I give her marriage to her business manager that is 20+ years older than her and bit of a not good looking guy six months longer TOPS. She has a hit show. It’s time to broaden her horizons. You know get out there and mingle like a single. Date Jared Leto. Build that resume.

Warning if you tend to have hurt feelings stop reading now. If you are a goodie goodie. Get off of my page right now. If you are in full mourning of Whitney and making this loss your loss and your drama….well read on because you need a reality check and you are harmless.

Best dressed last night? THE WHITE ELEPHANT
You know the one in the room that nobody wanted to say about Whitney Houston. We all know why she is no longer with us. It was amazing to watch everyone want to mourn her and talk about her and not say anything about what really happened to her. This is a huge loss to the music. Nobody compared to her and it’s so sad she is gone. I eel sorry for her family. But, let’s just say you are not that supportive and close of a family without knowing that your family member (the money maker) is doing something harmful. I got a little tired of hearing the same things over and over. It was border line uncomfortable. Jennifer Hudson did such an amazing job! The Grammy producers failed though in how they handled the situation.

Next best dressed…..

RHIANNA
She looks awesome. I think she is becoming the next whiter thinner version of Rachel Zoe though. What is up with this weight loss. She looks good. Not saying she doesn’t. But, when she came out on stage I thought it was interesting her shorts were longer than usual for being so thin. She has to have lost at least 30 lbs and she didn’t even have ten to lose. Dang! Great performance by her! She was one of the highlights of the night!

FERGIE dazzled. This is what the Grammy attire should be. It’s edgy and red carpet worthy. Loved it. The color was perfect too. I think this was very Sex and the City but soft and pretty.

CARRIE UNDERWOOD played it safe. It paid off. I mean for her these shows are easy. She looks gorgeous as usual. She could have been going anywhere though. So I don’t think she was the over all winner. But, she didn’t embarrass herself, us, country music, or fabric.

CORINEE BAILEY RAE
She dazzled. This was beautiful. I’ve seen her before looking like something that crawled out of a Salvation Army donation dumpster. So she could have worn burlap and it would have been an improvement. The shoes are edgy too and they worked. All of this was amazing together. I was proud of her. And I like that she isn’t showing a tattoo. Sometimes they ruin it with little calligraphy initial on the ankle or wrist. So bravo to Corinee.

KELLY ROWLAND
You knew she was going to walk the carpet and try to dominate since the lead of her life (Beyonce) was not going to be there. I kept waiting for her to show up though. More on that later. Kelly looked nice. Bless her heart though. She is never going to be a mega star. It’s like she has become the Charlotte to Carrie of Sex and the City. She either needs a scandal or to just go ahead and open an orphanage for runaway ferrets. Otherwise she’s always just going to go along kind of like this.

KELLY OSBOURNE
I hated her hair until last night. It worked because it was the Grammys. It worked with this dress too. It all worked. I watched her closely to see what she would say about Whitney since her own father one day will not be remembered just for singing his “crazy but that’s how it goes” lyrics and song to his life. He’s known for doing more drugs that anyone that is still living. He once snorted a line of ants I think? If something happened to him would everyone act like that never happened? I thought she handled the red carpet rather well and did a fabulous job. I really like Kelly. She has grown up on t.v. and she has become an inspiration in so many ways. I think she had a rough time of it. DO you remember when Christina made fun of her for her weight? Well, jokes on you now Christina (not just b/c of your boyfriend, lipstick, hair color or the weird things that leak down your legs either.)

JULIANNA HOUGH
I forgot she did try singing. She also tried acting. That didn’t pan out. Neither did this dress. The hair didn’t do anything either. But, I guess when you date someone with ten jobs and has to wear lifts in his shoes to be able to look you straight in the chest that is how you get a ticket to the Grammys?

ADELE
I think she has lost weight. I was reading my People magazine and she looked much smaller to me. Adele I have loved since I saw her on Saturday Night Live. Did you know she sold more records last year in the US than Lady Gaga and Justin Beiber combined. I love that. She looked beautiful last night. This was a great dress. I wish she had worn this all night. She changed and the dress she wore was black, shorter and had a slip under it to give her support in the chest. Well, all it did was bug me. I also think she needs to break out of just wearing black to these events. Get brave. Wear navy Adele. I know you can do it!

KATY PERRY
Usually I pull for Katy Perry. Last night the dress with hair I decided to go against Katy Perry. Just get a normal hair color. Then her performance? Was that a Dear Ex-husband letter or what? Apparently she was the sex kitten and he wants the ring back? But, she is letting him keep the ring because he isn’t doing anything anyway. Okay I brought you up to speed. I also see why everyone hates her music and thinks she is a joke. I kind of think the same thing now.

NICKI MINAJ
So thanks to Nicki Minaj I think the Catholic church has now taken a new stance on birth control. Just sayin. Walking in with a rent a Pope was odd. But, the performance was horrible. I turned it off at the end. I couldn’t waste time any longer. Nicki needs someone to tell her that she doesn’t sing that well without someone mixing for her. She also has terrible design and choreographers. AND this is the big one. She’s not Lady Gaga.

Which brings me tooooooooooo

What a great night of not having to watch Lady Gaga. That was my favorite part of the evening. Not watching Lady Gaga.

TAYLOR SWIFT
SHE RUINS EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!! What was up with her hillbilly showdown last night? Wearing a slip, bad bangs, and a banjo on her knee (I was really hoping she was on her way to Alabama to stay for good.) Her song was once again about I don’t know……being mean to her? Breaking her heart? How she is prom queen in her music video that she paid for (not in real life obviously.) At the end of the song when people were clapping she pulled that “Oh for me? You really like me?” Twit. You are on stage singing Taylor. Someone likes you (Lord knows why) and so why don’t you just bow and say thank you and exit stage left as quickly as possible. And I hear that Kelly Rowland may have a job opportunity she’s looking into…..contact her immediately. This singing thing probably isn’t panning out anyway.

Oh and her dress on the red carpet was ugly.

MIRANDA LAMBERT and BLAKE SHELTON
This dress and Taylor’s dress oddly look similar. I still don’t get if Miranda is country or rock. So you know that bothers me. Blake could have been a politician with his hair. Mitt Romney would be shaking in his boots right now if Blake was on the GOP trail with the rest of them.

ROBYN
Remember her? Well, after this outfit why would you. “Show me love…” that was her big song. Show me some taste Robyn. Show me a stylist that likes you. Show me a part time clerk at the local K-Mart that could have picked something out nicer than this get up.

CYNDI LAUPER
Remember all she wanted to was have fun? Now all she wants to do is scare us all. She’s almost 60 and still just as bad off in the style department as she was back in the 80s. It’s sad.

PALTROW
She looks like a head on a Barbie body. But, not in a good way. She’s wearing……..are you ready? You will be shocked. She’s wearing Stella McCartney. Why doesn’t she just marry Stella McCartney. Dear Gwenyth….there are other designers. And other awards shows to attend for no reason. So next year please skip Grammy 2013. I need a break. Plus, Beyonce will be back with Ivy Blue Suede Shoes to pimp out and show off as a stage prop. You are no longer needed. So move on. Make friends perhaps with Katie Holmes. I think that would be a winning friendship.

HILLARY SCOTT
Hillary looked nice. I just wasn’t blown away. I think she looked pretty. But, it wasn’t dazzling. At least though she is country. Not a little bit rock and roll. And has manners.

GRADIVA
She was showing she supports the NRA last night. I like that. I felt the machine gun was just too “look at me” Next time she should look more to a small concealed type gun perhaps? Or what about bow and arrow? I don’t know. I think that could have been stunning. This was a fail if you didn’t get that.

Really all in all the show was lame last night. The performances were okay. remember how it use to be? You would watch and talk about it for days. Did you see………………………

Not any longer. The Foo Fighters were awesome and I loved that they recorded their last record in the garage with a tape deck. that’s what I miss. Real singing and music. Everything is so techno mixed dancers in background.

I didn’t miss Beyonce too much last night. I am sure next year she has big plans. Remember the year a bird landed on her finger while she sang? Oh don’t you worry……..next year that baby of hers will come in by wire cables and with a halo on landing on her hand with an orchestra of violins in the back while Beyonce is in gold sequins and heels. So in a way I did you a favor and saved you the time from watching 2013.

Bring on the Oscars and Gelina. I am ready!

Happy Monday.

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